Now i imagen most women who read this will understand how i feel:

I have done hardly any modeling work recently (last was way back April, images for them up soon), and I'm missing it. I did a shoot with my close friend/bodyguard/big daddy/therapist Neolestat [link] and i realized that i had actually put alot of weight on, and my confidence in my own body was rapidly diminishing. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not going off on a 'I'm fat' ramble, i know I'm not fat, but i was starting to become very conscious of my weight and body shape.

In the end i didn't want to model anymore. i didn't enjoy the feeling of being so self conscious in front of the camera, and i even felt like i was annoying the photographer with my constant griping over how i didn't like my hips in that picture, or my stomach in that picture.

but I've been working hard, I'm once again looking in the mirror with confidence, haha i know I'm not quite up to the standard of those models i look up to and respect but I'm happier again, I want to get back into modeling again. i want to start creating again.

yet i want more direction this time. I'm desperate/dying to try corsets or anything along those lines, i want to try more things that I've never tired before. I want to push what I've done already so much further, I look at my gallery and while i love my picture its not enough, i need to work harder, push it further, experience more! I see the images of other models and i think, i could do that, i can achieve that to. I'm jealous of there chances to model with that MUA, with that photographer, for that designer, in that image. it makes me want it so much more...

sadly I'm a little stuck on the who's,hows,whats/wheres and whys of it all. We shall see what the next few months will bring, i hope its something...

so many ideas brewing...